Smoke, Stress, and Splitsville: The Firefighter's Divorce Dilemma

Firefighters and EMTs face an uphill struggle when it comes to maintaining a healthy marriage. Already, you are batting from a handicap based on what you do. This means that you are going to have to work harder than most in your relationship. And we can't just throw our arms up and say, "you married a firefighter". That's not fair to your significant other. So here are some things to consider...

The Stats Don’t Lie—But They Might Surprise You

Alright, let’s talk numbers. You’ve probably heard the locker room talk about how first responder marriages are doomed, right? Like, “Oh, the divorce rate’s through the roof!” Well, I dug into the data, so you don’t have to. A study from the Journal of Family Issues back in 2015 looked at firefighters specifically. For the guys, the divorce rate was 11.8%, which is actually a tick higher than the general population’s 9.4%. Not crazy high, but still notable. Here’s the kicker, though—female firefighters? Their divorce rate clocks in at a whopping 32.1%, compared to 10.4% for women in the general population. That’s over three times higher! For EMTs, it’s trickier to pin down exact stats, unfortunately, there isn't any clear data available.

Why the difference? Well, for the dudes, being part of the fire service might actually build some resilience—think brotherhood, structure, coping skills. For the ladies, though, the job’s stress plus societal pressures might hit harder. Either way, the point is clear: our jobs put some serious strain on the home front, and the numbers prove it’s not just talk.

The Dangers and Pitfalls We Face

So, what’s screwing us up? It’s not just the long shifts—though 24s or 48s don’t exactly scream “date night material.” Here’s the real stuff we’re up against:

1. The Emotional Rollercoaster: We see the worst of humanity—car wrecks, overdoses, house fires where not everyone makes it out. That crap sticks with you. You come home numb or wired, and your spouse is like, “Why won’t you talk to me?” It’s not that we don’t want to—it’s that we don’t even know where to start. Or we think we are protecting them.

2. Schedule Chaos: Firefighters, you know the drill—24 on, 48 off, maybe a side gig to pay the bills. EMTs, you’re pulling doubles or getting stuck on mandatory overtime. Your partner’s over there raising the kids solo half the time, feeling like a single parent. Resentment builds fast when you’re never around.

3. The Trauma Trap: PTSD isn’t just a buzzword—it’s real for us. Studies show first responders are way more likely to deal with mental health hits like anxiety, depression, or worse. If you’re bottling that up, it spills over into fights, withdrawal, or even pushing your spouse away without meaning to. It can also lead to self-medicating behavior and addiction which puts further strain on the relationship.

4. The “Hero” Myth: People think we’re invincible—sometimes even our families do. But when we’re off duty, we’re just humans who forget to take out the trash. That gap between expectation and reality can leave our partners feeling let down or disconnected.

5. Temptation on the Job: Let’s not sugarcoat it—shift work means downtime with the crew, and sometimes lines get blurry. The “firefighters cheat, cops beat” saying isn’t true for everyone, but the opportunity’s there, and stress can make dumb choices look appealing. Not to mention, neglecting your spouse can potentially cause them to step out of the relationship seeking attention and emotional well-being from someone else.

   
   

Strategies to Keep Your Marriage from Crashing and Burning

Alright, enough doom and gloom. We’re problem-solvers, right? Here’s how we can fight for our marriages, tailored to the first responder life:

1. Talk—Even When It’s Hard: I get it, after a bad call, you’d rather drink a beer and zone out. But your spouse isn’t a mind reader. Tell them, “Hey, today sucked—give me a sec to decompress, then I’ll fill you in.” Even a little heads-up keeps them in the loop. Bonus points if you can share the tough stuff later—builds trust. Your spouse wants to share in your day. Remember... They married a firefighter... odds are that is one thing they probably love about you. We have no problem risking ourselves on the job. We have no fear when it comes to a difficult and dangerous rescue. But oftentimes we are afraid to sit at the kitchen table and have a hard conversation with our spouse.

2. Make the Off-Duty Time Count: Those five-day stretches after a Kelly shift? Don’t just crash, plan a short getaway. Attend your kid's ball game. Make sure to spend that time with your family. That should be a given, but in the fire service, unfortunately this needs to be said.

3. Learn to Say No: All those optional trainings... sometimes you got to put your family first. And don't be the guy that works 3 fire department jobs. Maybe settle for 2 jobs. Who wants to be living out of their car anyways. If you don't need the overtime, but feel obligated...say no. When you spend your weekend off camping with guys, you could be sending a message to your spouse that they are not important.

4. Separate Lives: Often, we are around our coworkers more than our families. We have a tendency sometimes to prioritize our fire family over our own. This is a common point of contention within many responder relationships. Don't be that guy.

5. Counseling: Don't be afraid to go outside the relationship for professional advice. There's no shame in pulling out all the stops when it comes to your family. Marriage counseling can be very beneficial. There are councilors that specialize in responder marriages.

6. Decompress: I can't stress this enough...you need to decompress immediately after your shift. You can't expect to transition from the chaos of the shift to the calm at home in a measured healthy way. You need an hour to yourself. Your partner needs to allow for that. This will help eliminate potential fights after work and it will only benefit your spouse in the long run.

   
   

In Conclusion

Divorce is devastation. While we think it may solve some problems, it creates a myriad of new problems. Custody issues are a common problem for firefighters due to their unconventional work schedules. Losing half of your retirement isn't fun for anyone either. Overtime gets factored in as regular income when calculating your child support, depending on the state in which you live. Most importantly, divorce is often a piece of the responder suicide "puzzle". Divorce, addiction, and relationship problems all make up the perfect storm that leaves a responder feeling hopeless. Take it from me... I learned the hard way. I tell guys all the time, no job is worth your family.

Be safe out there.